Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The chlorine, it burns man, it burns....

So guess what...? My town still has a pool. And I can confirm this fact because I went there. To swim. No lie.

It went something like this....

Step 1: Hunt down workout suit. Think back to the last time you remember wearing it. Look frantically in every nook and cranny of your closet wondering why you have no recollection of wearing suit in the past year.

Step 2: Attempt to put last years workout suit on this years no-workout body. Inspect for opaque quality. Wonder if they make Spanx one can wear under a bathing suit. Vow to never eat again and commence marathon training at once.

Step 3: Take a moment to ponder what else one needs when heading to the pool. Wonder why this process seems so foreign.

Step 4: Begin hunt for goggles. During the process find approximately 7 swim caps, including your Ironman 70.3 cap. Take a moment to reminisce about what it felt like to be in shape. Wipe tear realizing how far you have fallen and how much you like to eat Cheetos.

Step 5: Pack up shower stuff, goggles, and all 7 swim caps....because you just never know with the swim caps.

Step 6: Arrive at pool. Try to hide mild annoyance at the number of small children present. Tug at sausage-casing-like bathing suit numerous times. Hope that, like walruses and other sea faring mammals, you will feel much more graceful and adept when you enter the water.

Step 7: Feign excitement when friend arrives and states "I brought a workout!" Spend the next few minutes clearing toys out of your lane and wondering how you got suckered into an actual swim workout.

Step 8: Wonder how it is that you are getting lapped in the pool by someone who PR'd a marathon mere days before. Also wonder why all those parents are sweating in the bleachers watching their kids swim lessons when they could be getting a few laps in.

Step 9: Become painfully aware that your swim stroke currently maintains neither grace nor adeptness. Continue to flail through the workout unable to find rhythm.

Step 10: Enjoy finishing realizing you swam probably twice as far as you would have thanks to there being a "workout."

Step 11: Vow to be more regular about the swimming. Even consider an early morning swim later in the week.

Step 12: Realize you are clearly suffering from the delusional side effects of chlorine, remembering that early morning swimming requires getting out of bed at 5:30am. Wonder how long it will be until the burning in your eyes and throat subside.

Step 13: Crawl into bed thankful for a great workout. Wonder what your wet hair will look like in the morning. Sleep like a baby.

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