Wednesday, November 3, 2010

You can't screw it up

I am a big mess of emotion these days.  Big. Mess.

I procrastinated packing until the last possible minute because I am in complete denial about what is happening.  Thankfully, I am lucky enough to have friends who don't half-heartedly ask if they can help -- they just show up and say "here's what we're going to do."  Because they know my brain is already at maximum capacity with the holyhellwhatamidoingwithmylife dilemma.  And they bring wine.  Seriously.  How. Unbelievably. Awesome.  I only hope that I can repay the monumental favor someday.

So I'm packed.  Half of the half of my life that was with me in the mountains is now tucked away in multiple storage spaces around my (ya, that's right I said MY) mountain town.  The other half is half with me and half in the mail to someplace I will call home soon.  Again.  I guess.  For a while anyway.

That's a lot of halves to keep track of.  Which is why half my brain has just blown a circuit and shut-down completely.  Which is maybe for the best.  Because transition is hard.  It seems to be an excuse for my brain to question every decision I've made to that point....why are you doing this?  Why didn't you do that?  Why did you spend one of your last afternoons in town drinking at the local watering hole when you should have been organizing and packing and, I mean really, what was that all about?

You can see where that thought process goes.  Nowhere good, usually.  As I was dumping a good portion of this brain-waste on one of my friends she said "you can't screw it up."  Or something along the lines of "you're doing just what you're supposed to do, and you'll end up where you're supposed to be."  And I'm not sure if she was just grasping for something (anything!) in the moment to get me to shut up already....but I hope that there's some truth to what she said.  That maybe the road that you take to get there won't be exactly the one you thought you'd be on, but that doesn't mean the destination can't be the same.  You can still end up where you want to be.

And so, until then I'm trying to enjoy the journey.  Starting with the step in front of me.  And going from there.  Hopefully, with enough steps, it'll all come back'll all make sense....and it will have a beautiful view of the mountains.

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